Friends,
It has been awhile. Life sometimes gets in the way of things you love, even if what gets in the way are things you also love. Dearly. I was sitting half drunk on my porch, smoking a cigar, which is a little out of the usual for me. The half drunk part, not the cigar. Something shook me a bit the other day and I cant ignore it. I started this blog to talk about what its going like from a Soldier to a stay at home dad. I also started it because its cheap therapy and a way to reach out to people who may have shared some of my same life experiences, be it war or fatherhood, which sometimes seem like the same thing. I ran into a buddy who reads the blog on Saturday and we caught up a bit. I knew I would get back to it, but didn't know when or where or why really. Most of my writing takes place late at night after the kids go to sleep, but its dinner time now and I need to write. Hot dogs and beans can wait for a little. Its the food of the family with two adults in grad school. Money is not plentiful and the kids are young enough to think that beans are an acceptable side, so thats what we do. That and cowboy breakfast. cheap, easy and they like it.
Back to what made this blog tonight. I am woefully behind in my last three classes in school. At this point, I don't know if I care anymore because, frankly I would rather be on a ranch doing anything or helping fellow combat wounded vets, but I picked my poison, so now I gotta drink it. My wife and I finally scored a date to Luckenbach for Whitey Morgan and Cody Jinks show at one of our favorite places, so we shoveled aside school for the night, bribed my brother in law with free wifi and pizza and headed up. There is something beautiful about the Hill country. We always find land we want to buy, houses and ranches that would be perfect on the way up. The conversation usually goes with “if we win the lottery” or “if our credit didn't suck”, we find these places and its soothing. It wasn't the trip or the show, which was absolutely awesome, as we are both huge fans of theirs, but it was something that happened before that shook me more than anything since our daughter died 5 years ago.
My kids follow me everywhere. At least the two little ones. I must be entertaining. 2 year old was in the bathroom while I was taking a shower. I could lock the door, but she would just continually bang on it and when I went hunting in Post,Texas in January someone removed the outside knob to the door, so it wouldn't work anyway. Ill replace it eventually, I know. While I was showering, she shoved a shampoo bottle into the tub, because she's 2 and its funny to her. It hit my foot and I yelled at her, probably cussed, and picked it up. I peaked my head out of the shower and she had retreated to the toilet and was looking in my direction. I apologized, told her I love her and let her know that its not ok to do that. That was the easy part. I closed the curtain and got back to my shower, standing towards the curtain and a pink luffa thing hit my other foot. I kind of froze. There was no way that I made that happen. Then another one. It wasn't her, it wasn't me, was it Melissa, our daughter who passed reminding me why I chose this post retirement life? I don't believe in that stuff, at least not until that day. Maybe she was telling me that a knock on the foot from a shampoo bottle wasn't that big of a deal, when we look at the big picture. I think about her everyday. What would she like? What foods, toys, cartoons and why isn't she here? Ill never get those answers, I hurt everyday looking for them and I know that I will never find out. Maybe those two little pink luffas that hit my other foot were a reminder to get over myself and remember why I chose to stay with the kids.
So here I am, still half drunk on the porch, cigar gone listening to all nighter, by Cody Canada and I'm starting to get why I'm back writing and not cooking an easy dinner. Its time to do what we love, love who we are and who we hold the closest and remember the the short time was could hold those who went to a better world. God bless.
