Where I am

        In a house with 5 kids and even more animals, privacy is rare. If given the choice between staying in a luxury hotel or trading that for 20 minutes of solitude it would be a tough choice. As my 3 and 1 year old daughters walked into the bathroom, with our dog Lefty, dutifully following them in and plopping right down at my feet, my 3 year old asked, “What is that?” Caught redhanded taking the medication I have been taking for years to help with the PTSD that we all live with, I didnt really know what to say. First, im trying to go poo and take medicine, because multi-tasking in our house is a necessity to get anything done, and secondly, because she doesnt know why I take medicine. She was not there when I was a different person, on a lot more medicine, thinking about suicide far more often and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole with my mind. It was something that the whole family fought with and it was an ugly time. I hated the person I was, because it was far easier for me to just “click out” of the whole feelings thing and just go with the fast, often painful solution. I tried to open a guitar on my head one day, during an especially bad time, and to let you know, that a bridge to a guitar does not break very easily, but will leave you with a huge scar on your forehead.

    We lived like this for a couple of years, a constant roller coaster, a fight I would never walk away from, behavior that made me ashamed and an inability to care about any of it. Through time, with a wife who should have left me years ago, a great doctor and a great social worker, I stayed alive and out of jail. I needed less medication, and found the sweet spot where I could function, feel and be a contributing member of the house. I found hunting. Whether you agree with hunting or not, it gets me in an open space, through the kindness of others and it helps me provide for my family. I am not one of those “scary” trophy hunters that people who know nothing about hunting assume all of us are, but I hunt because I need to feel like im doing something positive for my family. Thats not to say that I have not taken a shot at a huge 11 point buck, only to be foiled by a fence wire, but in tradeoff, I ended up taking two doe( doe, a deer, a female deer.....) which provided the family with more meat in the end.
    So as I have an inquisitive 3 and 1 year old, and the damn dog, who is a great foot warmer, looking at me for guidance as to what I am taking, she cuts me off. “Is it so you dont get a cold?” In the world of a 3 year old, a cold is tragic. It keeps you from playing and having fun. I took a moment to think about it. “It kind of is, ma’am. It helps me feel better, but its only for me and not for you.” While there is medicine that I will take for the rest of my life, there is medicine that we don’t always see that we take too. How good I feel when I see the kids and wife smile and they tell me that they love me, how I feel when im out on a ranch, with nothing but land all around me and even when the damn dog is laying on my feet when im trying to go to the bathroom.